My mother died just before my tenth birthday. I was at school when dad came to pick me up during the middle of a class session. I had no idea what was going on. He was crying and driving. When we reached home, I was informed by my aunty that my mother had passed away and was in heaven with God. I did not see her body. Later I learnt she was burnt alive in terrible car accident.
My Dad remarried in an year. I did not like my step mother from day one. She never spoke. She never disturbed me. Most of the time I was left alone in my room. I would only go down for breakfast, then leave for school. On return, I'd head back and lock myself in my room. She made no effort to spend time with me nor did I. Dad would check on me in the evening and ask me to come down for supper. We would be silent at the table except for some occasional questions from dad. My stepmother would not even make eye contact with me. She was very weird.
I slept with my door unlocked. It was dad's orders. A month after my stepmother moved in, she started to act strange. One night, I woke up from my sleep suddenly to find her standing by the door watching me. I had no idea for how long she had been standing there. But it was pretty late in the night. I was shocked, I tried to scream, but no sound came. It was because I was paralysed with fear. Then she left. Walked away just like that. I had trouble sleeping again, but slowly fell asleep by dawn.
This happened more than once. I caught her standing by the door at night a few more times. We never spoke. I would pull my covers and pretend to sleep until I heard her leaving. I always wanted to speak about this to dad. But the right time never came. One evening, when I returned from school. I saw my stepmother sitting on a chair near the table staring straight ahead at the wall. She did not move. She sat so still, one could assume she was dead. As I climbed the stairs for my room, I looked down to see if she was staring at anything in particular. No, nothing. Just the wall. It sort of creeped me out. An hour later, I came down again to find her sitting in the same position. I was convinced she was dead. I called her name. She turned her head in slow motion and looked at me. The face was expressionless. She just stared into my eyes. I started to feel uncomfortable. I went back to my room. That was the first time I had ever spoken to her. I had called her name, Jane.
Then one night a few weeks later, I was tossing and turning in my bed. I casually turned to look at the door and there she was standing. I lay still on my bed frozen. She walked towards me. Only my eyeballs moved. My heart started beating rapidly. She was standing next to me. All of a sudden she took a pillow lying next to me and pressed it flat on my face. I entered shock mode. She was suffocating me. I remember struggling for breath. Not a single sound came out. My hands and legs were trashing the bed having no control. She was strong and I could not resist or fight back. I was losing consciousness. Then blackness engulfed me. Everything became dark.
I don't remember anything that happened after. It was still dark. But I started hearing voices. Distorted voices of people laughing and talking. I could hear a strong heartbeat. A rhythmic heartbeat. I tried to open my eyes, but it was so dark that I had no idea if I had actually opened my eyes. I could not feel my hands or legs. I felt very different.
The voices grew louder. I could actually hear dad. I started to hear a female voice too. There was laughter. I could sense joy and happiness. I kept drifting into reality and dreams. I dreamt of nothing though. It was more like a blackout. Then more voices. I never felt hungry, I never felt pain. I never felt myself.
I don't know how much time had passed. But my hearing got louder and louder. It was dark as usual. Was I in coma? What happened to me? She tried to kill me. I assumed I was in a hospital being treated. Definitely not dead. I was alive because I was still thinking.
I kept hearing dad's voice, I could not make out what he was speaking. I could slowly feel myself moving. I could feel my body parts twitching. Not sure which one though. I was recovering. I hoped I would come into my senses soon. The sound of heartbeat was louder now. It felt like an echo.
More blackout, then consciousness, then voices. It kept on repeating. Then my body started to move. I was feeling heavy. I was feeling tight. It felt like I was being squeezed. I was in pain. Deep pain. I heard crying. I felt the temperature changing. Light. My eyes. They felt different. It was blurred. I heard my dad's voice. He was shouting. What was he saying? "It's okay Jane, Stay with me Jane." Jane? That was my step mothers name. What on earth was going on.?
Then it struck like lightning, Everything in one nanosecond. The harsh crying, the light, the voices, I was stuck in the body of something else. A baby. A baby in the process of birth. I was being born. Again. To my stepmother. I could feel myself now. But only crying voices came out. I shouted for words. Nothing, more wailing. But I was only halfway out. How did all this happen? I was being born to someone who had killed me? That meant I had died. But I had the same mind. I had to kill her. She should not live.
I stopped moving. I could wiggle my legs. I heard myself crying. This was not my real body, Only my mind was mine. I was still thinking. What I tried to speak came out as mere noises. I cried in pain. "Push Jane, Push.", came multiple voices. "Jesus Christ, the baby is stuck half way" came a voice, "Doctor, she's losing blood pressure, there's a haemorrhage", someone screamed. I stopped wiggling, I found control of my body. I refused to move. But something involuntarily was making me move. I resisted. I resisted as hard as I could. "Doctor, we are losing her, do something" came a voice. "Jane, wake up, Jane please push, Jane, Jane", that was my father shouting. Even in such a moment of insanity, I knew if I did not come out of her womb completely, she would die soon. More voices of shouting and screaming along with my crying.
I succeeded. She died. I lived. I knew I had killed her. There was pin drop silence. "I am sorry sir, we tried our best, she lost excessive blood, the baby is fine.", came a voice. I smiled in my mind, but all that came out of my mouth was the sound of crying. Then there was darkness. I was beginning to lose consciousness again. I felt tired. As I was drifting to a dream like state, I was reminded of what my grandmother once said, "A new born knows of its previous life when it comes to the world. It cries and wails because it remembers everything from its past birth but cannot express it. It forgets and takes a new life after its first sleep. When they wake up, they know nothing of their past.
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